The Quest!
by Zee4
Summary: Pietro is bored and needs a hobby. So he goes off on a quest to collect Mary-Sues! Meanwhile, Lance is having relationship problems, the Mary-Sue is being held captive by cannibals, and Kitty is determined to make Lance her's again whatever the cost!
1. The Quest Hasn't Started Yet!

**Title:** The Quest for the Mary-Sue

**Author: **Zee4

**Disclaimer:** I'm absolute corruption.

**((NOTE))** Guess who's back, bitches. Sorry for the overlong hiatus. My computer died and I just wasn't feeling up to writing anything. Lotta school crap going on, and my French teacher caught me writing the next chapter of "Down" in the middle of class, which was going to start with a total porn-

Fangirls: YES!!

-but she took it away, read it, thought for some inexplicable reason something was wrong with me-

hide-chu: Psh-aw, how could ANYTHING be wrong with YOU? (-rolls eyes-)

-so I've been a little weary of writing anything recently.

…

ANYWAY, Z-GIRL IS BACK AND READY FOR ACTION, BIZZNACH!! Oh, the many ZANY ideas floundering through my head fill me with such obtrusive glee I can hardly contain myself!

hide-chu: What the hell does obtrusive mean?

I DON'T KNOW! I think it means conspicuous, BUT I DON'T CARE!! So, since my other humor stories have been brutally ripped away from this site, I'M A DOING SOMETHIN' NEW!! So be afraid! Be very afraid! Because Zee4 is BACK, BABY, and she's ain't no shit from nobody!

hide-chu: werd.

Yeah. You know you want it.

**/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/**

In some dark, desolate, cannibalistic village located in one of those third world countries Sally Struthers is stealing food from, the villagers tied The Helpless Yet Powerfully Perfect Mary-Sue to a pole and began to dance.

They danced. Oh how they danced. They danced the way lepers would dance if their skin wasn't falling off. But even if their skin was falling off, the villagers wouldn't care because they were cannibals. And they would have eaten it.

The Helpless Yet Powerfully Perfect Mary-Sue struggled against her bonds, which is understandable, because they had tied her up with HUMAN HAIR!! You'd think that'd be easy to get out of, but it's not. Oooooh, no. Human hair is some of the strongest stuff on earth. Like the hatred The Helpless Yet Powerfully Perfect Mary-Sue felt for the dancing cannibals.

'Oh no!' thought The Helpless Yet Powerfully Perfect Mary-Sue. 'These evil communist cannibals are going to eat me! For the record, simply because cannibals have different eating, political, and religious beliefs from this Mary-Sue does not mean they are any less of a person than her. If anything, they are more. After all, these cannibals are doing what they believe is right. The Mary-Sue has taken it upon herself to forcibly teach them the ways of "developed" countries such as the USA, which, if you thin about it, isn't working very well of the late (look what happened with the election). So it's completely ludicrous of the Mary-Sue to believe that the cannibals are evil just because they're following their path. Oh. And communism is a red herring. Which one of my many SUPERMARY-SUEPOWERSOHMYGOD! should I use? Maybe my mind powers. Or perhaps my super strength. Or maybe…' The Helpless Yet Powerfully Perfect Mary-Sue contemplated which one of her powers she should use, the cannibals continued their dancing with more fervor.

Fervor, for the people out there with minute vocabularies, means "passion". And as the cannibals danced with more passion, shaking the world and scaring off the animals surrounding them, with moves that could rival most of the mainstream pop dancers, millions of miles away, in a broken down house (hole in the wall shack) on the outskirts of Bayville, Pietro Maximoff sat up on the couch (although he was watching an extremely humorous and insightful episode of Inside Actors Studio with his peers) and cried out "**I NEED A HOBBY!**"

**/o/**

Lance woke up; Inside Actors Studio had put him in a coma. "What?"

"I NEED A HOBBY!" crowed Pietro, making a heroic pose atop the coffee table, which promptly broke into a cloud of dust mites.

"Why do ya need a hobby, yo? Yer a ladies man, yo. Yer hobby is to be a playa wit da ladies…yo." said Todd. Yo.

"Well, YEAH! I know I'm a ladies man! I'm the sexiest, straightest guy alive! I eat girls for breakfast! I-"

'Am in denial.' thought Fred, the sane one.

"-am THE SEX, my friends! But I need something more! I need to make my life worthwhile!"

Wanda stormed downstairs in a fit of inexplicable rage.

"Wanda!" cried Pietro. "How extremely corking it is to see you! What do you think my new hobby should be?!"

Wanda screamed "I WILL MAKE YOU PAY!", grabbed the scissors from the kitchen, and stormed upstairs to the bathroom to cut off some more hair. It was therapy. Because Wanda didn't go to a therapist. She would make other people pay, but she herself could not.

The boys were silent for a moment.

"…how about you…I dunno, collect something." Suggested Lance, rubbing his temples. Wanda's storming, Todd's yo-ing, Fred's sanity, and Pietro in general was giving him a headache.

"But I already have a very nice complete collection of ALL THE THONGS KNOWN TO MAN!"

'All of which you strut around in.' thought Freddy, the sane one.

"Then collect something ELSE…" moaned Lance, rolling over and praying for the telephone ring and take him out of his misery.

"How 'bout you collect girls, yo. Werd up, G, yo." Said Todd. Yo.

"Girls?" Pietro queried.

"Yeah, yo. Girls, yo. Like, how the X-men collect mutants, yo. You just collect girls, yo. You could collect mutant girls, yo."

"We already have a mutant girl." said Freddy, the sane one, pointing upward to the bathroom Wanda was inhabiting.

"PAAAAAEEEEEYYYYY!!!!" Wanda screamed from above, chopping her hair with a vengeance.

"No, yo, I meant a normal one, yo."

"A normal mutant girl?" Lance rolled his eyes. "Yeah. Like that's possible. All of them are so messed up, it's a wonder how any of us get sex."

"We don't." said Freddy blandly. "We're imaginary characters on a children's television show."

"I GET SEX!" bellowed Pietro. "I GET REGULAR SEX!"

"Hey yo!" Todd hopped up. Yo. "You c'n collect Mary-Sues, yo! Yer always getting paired with 'em, might as well keep some, yo!"

"That's a great idea, Toad (Wow, never thought I'd ever say that)! I can go after those Mary-Sues the X-men are always finding or being beaten by or whatever and bring them home!" Pietro laughed gaily. And the authoress is not going to make a joke right here, because it'd just be too easy.

"So we're going to go after a Mary-Sue the X-men want?" asked Lance, knowing what was going to be asked of him.

"Yeah, we are. And it'd be just great if you could maybe, uh…" Pietro sat daintily in Lance's lap, wrapping his arms around the boy with the pun-for-a-name's neck. "It'd be great if maybe you could ask Kitty who they're going after next." Pietro asked in a husky voice.

Lance kneed Pietro off his lap. "That doesn't work on me anymore. I'll ask her, don't worry."

"You only like John now." muttered Pietro, slumping on the couch in a huff, crossing his arms and pouting. Lance sighed and got up to go call Kitty.

**/o/**

"Like, hi Lance!" Kitty yuppied into the phone.

"Hi Kitty." said Lance, cringing. "Um, I gotta ask you a question."

"Like, I'll totally go to one of the many like random dances school holds at like random times like like!" Kitty's lips were heavily glossed, so they kept slipping apart while she smiled on the other side of the phone line.

"Uh, not that." said Lance, deciding not to mention that he was expelled. "Are you guys going after any Mary-Sues to join your team?"

"Oh like yeah!" groaned Kitty, rolling her eyes. "Scott like told us two seconds ago. It's some girl who went to some like cannibal village to teach them how to be normal and stuff (it's hard enough being like normal, you know) and they like kidnapped her so now we gotta go like save her. Like why?"

"Pietro wants to collect Mary-Sues, so we just wanted to know any that had been found. Can you give me some info about her? Where is this village?"

"Oh yeah like sure. Okay like her name is Mary-Sue Johnson she's like sixteen and like ohmigosh she has every power like known to man."

"Every power? How'd she get captured?"

"They like used human hair to tie her up."

Lance blinked, wondering why they had never thought of that. "The savages."

"Like I know! The village is like…hey Scott where's that like village where the Mary-Sue is?"

Scott said something that was probably very anal.

"It's like some third world country Sally Struthers is always like stealing food from like. Probably like in Africa."

"Awesome. You think you guys can leave behind a helicopter or something we could steal to get there?"

"Like sure! I'll make sure they like leave one!"

"Thanks Kitty. Bye."

"Like bye Lance!"

Lance hung up the phone, then picked it up again and dialed John's cell phone number.

"Big Johnny's Trailer Park Fiesta!"

"Hey you fuckin' Pyro."

John, who'd been lying in bed burning Sabertooths spare balls of yarn, sat up with a worried expression. "Hey, Lance, you sound awful. What's wrong, babe?"

"Pietro got this stupid idea in his head that he wants to collect Mary-Sues, so we gotta fly to friggin' Africa or something to go get her before the X-men do." Lance shyly twirled the phone cord around his finger. "Wanna come with?"

John smiled. "A few days with you on a plane to Africa, a good fight, a fly back, and some alone time with my Lancy-poo? What more could I want?"

Lance couldn't help but grin. "Don't call me Lancy-poo. We're probably gonna leave tomorrow, wanna come over tonight?"

"Sure babe. I'll be there in half an hour maybe."

"Kay." Lance turned his back to the other boys watching the T.V. "And uh…wanna share my room."

John laughed and whispered sensually "Like I'd share anyone else's?"

Lance snorted and whispered "Bye. See you later."

"Bye baby." Whispered John. He made sure Lance hung up the phone then sighed contently. A fulfilled few days with his boyfriend.

At about this time, John noticed his bed was on fire, and he spring up to get some water to put it out. As much as John loved fire, he didn't want his bed to burn up.

After the last nine times, Magneto said he'd make John pay for his own if he did it again.

**/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/**

So yeah! That's the first chapter! Tell me what you think okay? Oh, Happy Holidays!! My holiday came and went at the beginning of the month (Eight CRAAAAZYY Nights, baby), so to all you out there who do Christmas, Kwanza, Ramadan, or any other holidays that I don't know of, have a very nice time celebrating them! Oh, and my daddy's birthday was yesterday, so Happy Birthday, dad, even though he is never going to read this. Ever.

hide-chu: (-cough-)

(-gasp-) OH MY GOD!!! IT WAS HIDE'S BIRTHDAY ON THE 13th!!! How old would you be if you were alive, hide?

hide-chu: Forty.

And I'm sure you'd be fine at forty, hide-chu! (-huggles him-) So anyway, gimme some feedback, please? I'm back, ladies! Boom bam!

hide-chu: (-smirks-) She really missed writing humor. Review please!


	2. The Quest Continues, But Still Hasn't St...

**Title: ** The Quest!

**Author:** Zee

**Disclaimer:** I wanna fuck you…in the ass…UNTIL YOU BLEED!!

**((NOTE)) -**WHOOOO!!!! (-waves flag with party hat on at an askew angle-) HAPPY 2005, Y'ALL!! WHOOOOOOOOOooOOO!!!

hide-chu: (-would make witty comment if he wasn't completely shitfaced. Sings with Gackt, who has randomly made an appearance in my life-) KIMEEEEEWA!!! BOKUUUUNO VANILLA!!! DUUUUUN, DUN DUN DUN!! DUN DUN DUN DUUUUUN!!

-YES!! HAHAHAA!!! I love new years, my parents get so shitfaced they don't notice anything. MAUHAHAA!!! REVIEWS!!!

**/o/**

**The Kate:** (-huggles The Kate, who knows nothing about evo but is one of my best friends-) I love you Kate-chan XD Yeah, I know, we forgot! DAMN YOU GACKT! DAMN YOU FOR MAKING US MOMENTARILY FORGET ABOUT HIDE!! (-kills him and the sock stuffed in his pants-)

**Idiot Paranoia: **Thank you, Holly XD I had an excellent time at your house :D Happy birthday, dude!

**Childrenwithblades: **XDD You know you think it's funny. I know! I'm back! Holy crap! XDD You'll see what happens. Missed you too, man XD

**Ruby631:** Thank you :D I'm happy to be back too! Yep, I like Lance with John XD I'm never sure who'd be on top. Heh, I love everyone's reaction to Pietro being straight XDD

**She-Wolf89:** I KNOW OMGWTFBBQ!! I have updated!! (-dances like a cannibal with you-)

**nessie6:** XDD I thought this up one night in the shower and I was like "What's the most inane thing to compare a cannibal dancing with? GASP! I KNOW!! LEPERS!! MUAAHHAHA!!! XDDD Human hair is very strong, you know. When I was in eighth grade, I had about a foot and a half long hair, and one day I got bored, twisted it around my desk, and tried to lift it (I held onto my hair so it wouldn't rip out XD) and my math teacher was like "YOU KNOW, HAIR IS SOME OF THE STRONGEST STUFF IN THE WORLD!!" only she said with a Hungarian accent so it was funnier. So I have reasons for putting that in (-nodnod-) The second paragraph owns. You'll see what happens to the Mary-Sue and the Quest to find her XD The point of a thong is to hang out, if I remember correctly...OH YOU MEAN HIS DICK! Well, there are special man thongs that hold it in. I think. I rarely see Lance/Pyro, so I thought what the hell, write it. However, that might have been a bad idea since Pyro is so fun to fuck with. But there's still Magnuts. Muahaha. And yes, I know very well what three hours of sleep can do to you :D

**/o/**

-(-blows on noisemaker-) WHOOT!! LET'S GET ON WITH IT!!

Yeah. You know you want it.

**/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/**

The Mary-Sue would have been watching with wide, frightened eyes as the cannibal women mixed randomly sliced vegetables into large pot of boiling water. She would have been praying to whatever monotheistic deity she obviously believed in (the uncultured whore) to save her from this mess. And she might even had had large, perfectly shaped tears falling from her large, perfectly shaped beautiful (insert color here) eyes (it should be noted that even if she started crying, her nose would not have turned red like a normal persons, but would have stayed the same color. Because she's perfect.).

But the Mary-Sue did none of this. Because she was still too busy contemplating which one of her powers to use to get out of this mess.

"Maybe time travel...I could just go back to before I came here and stop myself from coming. Or I could seduce them! No, some of them are women, ew. Oh! Or maybe I could…"

Little did she know, time was running out.

**/o/**

"Alright everyone!" called Scott over the chattering of the X-men, who were milling around the hanger. "Is everybody here?!"

Jean sauntered over. "Everyone's accounted for except Mr. Logan."

Scott would have blinked if his eyes weren't covered by those sunglasses. "He's not here? Where could he be?"

"I don't know. I think he said something about…finding something out."

Scott groaned. "Logan went to 'find something out'?! It could be hours before he gets back! Jesus, he already knows everything about himself after all those episodes, what else is there that he needs to know?!"

**/o/**

"WHAT THE HELL IS A HARAJUKU GIRL?!" roared Logan, once again throwing Gwen Stephanie across the room. Those Four Freaky Japanese Girl's that randomly are there cowered in the corner, wondering why they chose to leave the comforts of their homes to follow this woman who was being beaten by this strange hairy man.

Gwen laughed scornfully, shaking her belly. "I'll never tell you!"

"I MUST KNOW!" bellowed Logan, his claws shooting out of his knuckles. "YOU NEVER SHUT UP ABOUT THEM! WHAT ARE THEY?!"

Gwen just laughed and shook her abdomen.

Suddenly, Sabertooth burst through the window because he can. "YOU!" he roared much like Logan, though he was pointing at Gwen. "WHAT IS A HARAJUKU GIRL! THIS QUESTION HAS PLAGED MY MIND FOR MANY A NIGHT AND I WANT AN ANSWER NOW!"

"No way, bub." Growled Logan menacingly. "I got here first!"

Sabertooth's expression, for once in his life, changed to one of surprise. "You mean…You need to know what a Harajuku girl is too?"

"Yeah…" murmured Logan, looking slightly confused. "You too?"

"Yeah.."

There was silence for a moment, except for the murmuring of the Four Freaky Japanese Girls. Then-

"THIS MUST BE LOVE!!"

And to the disgust and horror of Gwen and her dancers, the two mutants leaped at each other and began ripping off the others clothes in passion.

**/o/**

"Well y'all gotta wait for him to get back, then." Said Rogue angstily, taking off her terrifying breast-plate.

Scott sighed, anus contracting. "Alright. We'll leave tomorrow. Everyone!" he called to the milling mutants, "Go back to whatever you were doing, but be ready for tomorrow."

Everyone gave a cheer and raced back to do whatever they were doing. Studying, playing Frisbee, fucking (this was in Jamie and Roberto's case), giving piggy-back rides and blowing things up, out, in, and down. But they went back to do it.

Kitty giggled. So now Lance would get his helicopter and they would see him when they went to save the Mary-Sue! Maybe while they were there, the exotic African environment could get them to reconcile their relationship! Those rumors about Lance being with that freaky Pyro guy couldn't be true! She'd MAKE Lance love her again!

Kitty giggled. Or else!

**/o/**

"John." Said Pietro blandly as he opened the door. "Hallelujah."

"PIEPIE!" roared John, grabbing Pietro into a back breaking hug. "HOW EXTREMLY CORKING IT IS TO _SEE_ YOU!!" His hand ran over Pietro's ass because he's John and that's what he does. He blinked. "Are you wearing a thong?"

"LAAAAANNNNCCEEEE!!!" wailed Pietro, wriggling out of John's grasp. "YOU'RE BOYFRIEND IS VIOLATING ME AND MY VAST THONG COLLECTION!!"

"No he's not…" muttered Lance, thumping down the stairs. He grinned at John has Pietro stormed off in a hissy fit. "Hey. You weren't really feeling his thong, were you?"

"I can't believe you let him stay here while owning a thong." John rolled his eyes and started up the stairs to Lance's room. "It's probably pink with bunnies on it."

"Um, I found an extra blanket or two and a couple of pillows so if you want I could sleep on the floor and you could have the bed." Lance murmured as they got to his room.

John pondered this. "Hmm…how 'bout this. You put your bed mattress on the floor, along with all the pillows and blankets and stuff and we both sleep on the floor." He gave a predatory grin and wrapped his arms around Lance's waist. "Then you won't have to be lonely."

Lance smiled and wrapped _his_ arms around _John's_ waist. "Oooh, I can't wait for tonight."

"I know…" breathed John.

"I'm gonna pound you so hard you don't remember your name." said Lance silkily, licking the shell of John's ear.

John blinked and pulled back. "…what?"

Lance leaned forward and pressed John against the wall. "I doubt you'll be able to even walk in the morning."

"Eh heh…" murmured John, looking slightly confused. Then he laughed and said, "Nonononono, babe, I'm gonna be on top."

It was Lance's turn to look confused. "Nooo, I'm gonna be on top. I'm always on top…"

"Unless you're with me, in which case you're on the bottom."

"No! Remy was on top when he was with you-"

"Remy would have blown me up if he wasn't. Besides, you're on the bottom with Scott sometimes."

"_Some_times!" Lance had pulled away now.

"Yeah, well _some_times I'm on the top with Remy!"

"John." Said Lance firmly, the ground slightly shaking beneath them. "You. Are. Going to be. On the. Bottom."

John glared venomously. "No, Lance. You are."

Lance slammed his hand against John's chest, pressing him up against the wall and leaned in close. "No. You. Are."

John's eyes were narrow slits as he grabbed Lance's hand and twisted it around the boys back. He sneered. "Make me."

Lance, who's face had been in pain a second ago, grinned. "Fine. I will." And he pushed John into his bedroom and slammed the door.

Wanda screamed "PPPPAAAAAEEEEEYYYYY!!!!" all night to block out the noise.

**/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/**

-WHOOOOANOTHER CHAPTER DONE!!

Gackt: WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE MY MAGNUM?!?!?! (-pulls down pants-)

hide-chu: MINE!! (-grabs it-)

-Erm…yes. I'm no longer crazy because New Years Eve was SEVEN TEEN DAYS AGO, YOU HORNY JAPANESE ROCKERS, but that's okay. So what'd you all think? TELL ME TELL ME TELL MEEEE!!!

hide-chu: (-whose mouth is full-) REVIEW PLEASE!!


	3. The Quest Shall Start Next Chapter!

**Title:** The Quest!

**Author: **Zee

**Disclaimer:** I will separate every fucking part of you.

**NOTE:** -Alright. I'm pissed off.

hide-chu: Why?

I was feeling slightly masochistic today and looked through the evo category of stories…thing. And I was appalled.

WHAT

IS

WRONG

WITH

YOU

PEOPLE!

Seriously! Every story, _every mother fucking story_, is either about a Mary-Sue creature from the Black Lagoon or an unimaginative and generic hetero couple that's been done a zillion times before!

So then, looking for a little retribution, I went over to childrenwithblades account, because unlike every other writer (except the ones I like, who know who they are; i.e. I actually review your stuff or respond kindly to your reviews) she actually has these amazing things called 'INTELLIGENCE' and 'TALENT' which all the Sue-fic writers don't seem to posses one iota of. And I go there and read her new profile (which I like!) and I have to ask: HAVE YOU ASSHOLES BEEN FLAMING A GENIOUS BECAUSE SHE GIVES YOU CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISM!

Morons. Utter morons. And Mingy, I'm sorry if me writing about you embarrass you, but this whole fandom is seriously beginning to tick me off.

hide-chu: Yeah, I know man. With all the world hunger and wars going on around us, there's nothing worse than a fandom overrun with crap.

Shut up pink haired fiend, I'm pissed off.

hide-chu: Aw, come on, put on a happy face.

Yeah yeah…REVIEWS!

**/o/**

**Holly:** Lazy ass. I luffles ya anyway. I had that Gwen Stefani thing running in my head for god knows how long, I was very thankful to write it. I know how much you hate her so it's just for YOU! Yay! I honestly don't know who would be on the top with Lance and John. I'll start a poll or something. I wanna write a pseudo-lemon; just for the hell of it xD

**childrenwithblades:** Yay! You're apparently the only person who seems to have noticed I spelled her name wrong! You get two cookies and a gingerbread house! I shall try to make the chappies longer. Thanks for the review, dude, I misses youz.

**nessie6:** OMG YOUR BIRTHDAY! I DON'T KNOW WHEN IT IS OR IF IT HAS PASSED, BUT HAPPY BIRTHDAY MON CHER! A Harajuku girl, according to my Japanese friend, basically a Japanese girl who bleaches her hair and wears a lot of make-up and tight clothing and stuff. I don't understand why their style is 'wicked' but who cares? Take turns…hmm…there's an idea. I think I'll do a poll though. And to your threesome idea: No. Absolutly not. That's nasty, man. I only write straight crap for school. Not even. Heh heh, yes, Pietro is straight. OR IS HE! I'm playing with your mind. OR AM I! You watch Desperate Housewives? Um…good luck with that…

**Ruby631:** Yes, it's a pretty picture, isn't it. Hmm…there's an idea.

**She-Wolf89:** …Staring at the computer screen for so long must hurt your eyes, huh. Thanks for the review :)

**/o/**

Well, that was fun. Anyways, ON WITH THE RETARDIDITY! By the way, I suspect one day I will write a true parody of a Mary-Sue fic. Like, a true one which will make me hated forever. With bad sex scenes describing a dick as "love stick" and a twat as "a trembling chasm of wet love" or something like that. But that's okay. Because I'll just sit here and laugh. Like I am now.

Yeah. You know you want it.

**/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/**

Lance stormed down the stairs, pissed off from a mix of lack of sleep, lack of sex, and lack of hair care products because his mullet was beginning to make him look like Michael Jackson gone brunette. He slumped into an empty seat at the kitchen table and slammed his head down on the scratched wood. The table promptly broke into a cloud of dust mites and Lance had to use all his self control not to bring the house caving in on all of them.

"WHY IS EVERYTHING IN THIS HOUSE SO…BAD!" he roared.

"Because our television stereotype as 'the bad guys' forces us to have to live and squalor to keep up our 'evil' appearance." Said Fred blandly, handing Lance a plate of eggs and a fork so he could eat off his knees.

"Sooo, Lance-y, did you and John have a good night?" leered Pietro, flouncing into the room in all his homoerotic glory. He grinned. "You guys were so loud last night, I couldn't sleep. What were you _doing?_"

"Nothing." Lance growled, stabbing what would have been a chick but alas had to feed him instead. "Absolutely nothing. We spent the whole night fighting over who would be on top. We got into a friggin' fistfight over it and by the time we were done, neither of us got _any_."

"Did you fall asleep in each others aaaarrrmmms?" cooed Pietro.

Lance's lips turned upward into a small smile. "No, at night we feel asleep with our backs to each other, we were so pissed off, but I woke up all cuddled up with Johnny and he looked so adorable…" Lance sighed and leaned back in his chair, seeing John in his minds eye with his red hair all rumpled and his fist curled around what was left of Lance's shirt.

They had both rolled over at night and curled up together, their legs tangled, foreheads pressed together, breathing the same air. Just the fact that after a fight they had ended up still tangled together gave Lance the impression that _this_ relationship was real. Unlike with Kitty, he and John really had a chemistry together that wasn't going to be destroyed simply because they were on different sides. The Acolytes and The Brotherhood were, technically, on different sides since The Brotherhood wasn't _as_ bad as The Acolytes, that had to count for something.

"That's so romantic!" exclaimed Pietro, snapping Lance out of his thoughts. Pietro twirled around the room. "Oh, I wish the thousands of girls I've fucked would be as cute as you are with John with each other. LESBIAN ACTION!" he crowed, pumping his fist in the air.

Lance and Freddy stared. "Dude," said Lance. "you are _so_ gay."

"Agreed." Said Fred, turning back to the stove to see if his three dozen egg, ham and cheese omelet was done yet.

"I AM NOT GAY!" screamed Pietro, and with that incredibly homo remark he stormed from the house to go…do…stuff. Yes.

Lance and Fred stared after the cloud of dust mites Pietro had stormed up with his running. "I think I'm gonna take a shower." Muttered Lance. "Thanks for breakfast. You wanna eat the rest of mine, I'm not that hungry."

"Sure." Said Fred, eyeing Lance's food hungrily. Lance stood, stretched, and walked up the stairs to the bathroom, not before checking in on John. The Aussie was still lying in bed, now wrapped around a pillow. Lance smiled softly and walked in to admire his boyfriend. He crouched down next to John and brushed his fiery hair out of his face and kissed his lips softly. John moaned in his sleep and groped blindly, grabbing Lance's wrist. He murmured something in his sleep and his eyes opened slightly. He grinned at Lance.

"Hey…"

"Good morning, sunshine." Whispered Lance, moving his arm so he could hold John's hand. "How ya feeling?"

"Like I just got in a fight over sexual positions."

Lance laughed and pulled John up so he could embrace the pyromaniac. "I'm going to take a shower." He kissed John's temple.

"Mmm…" murmured John. "That sounds nice. Have fun. I need sleep." But a plan was forming in his hand. It was such a plan. A plan to end all plans. A plan that put the CUN in CUNNING. **(1)**

"Okay." Lance gave John a non-too hasty kiss on the lips, tongue included, and left, grabbing a towel that had been thrown at his shelf to dry.

John grinned. He'd totally get Lance on the bottom now. Mwahaha.

**/o/**

Kitty hummed as she walked through the wall to the hanger. Today they were really leaving, whether Logan was there or not. The Professor had contacted him and, after stopping up his severe nosebleed, informed the X-men that Logan wouldn't be coming.

Kitty was a little disappointed because of this. She loved having Logan along so she could act like she was better than everyone else because he liked her. But that was okay. Because she had planned out her whole plan for getting Lance to like her again. It would be simple-first, she'd have to find out if he was _really_ going out with Pyro, which she doubted he was. Lance was like totally straight! But just in case, she'd find out. And in the unlikely event he was, she'd kill John and let Lance run into her arms for comfort!

Yay!

But of course, Lance wasn't going out with Pyro, so she'd just have to go to him all innocent and with that pout she knew he loved and say that she was sorry for cheating on him with Pitor, it was a mistake, he was too tall for her and she loved Lance! Then she'd take his hand and put it on her breast and kiss him passionately and then they'd fall to the ground and have sex and be together 4ever!(Kitty breathed)!

"Like hi guys!" called Kitty, waving to her teammates. "Are we ready to go?"

"Yeah. We're going to take the X-jet and the helicopter that I don't remember the name of." Said Scott, looking over the list and making sure everyone was there.

"Like, shouldn't we leave the copter here? Just in case Mr. Logan comes back and wants to go to get the new mutant with us?" Kitty had promised to leave her Lance something to fly with and she wouldn't let him down.

"Hmm…" pondered Scott. "I guess that's a good idea. Come on, everyone, onto the X-jet!"

And everyone piled on the X-jet, ready to go get the new mutant!

Kitty sighed, staring out the window and ignoring Rogue being angsty next to her. Soon, Lance, she thought, so I shall like…get you to love me again. But until then, we'll have to be apart. I hope you'll be okay...

"Ah wunder were Logan is." Remarked Rogue.

"Hmm…" said Kitty. "I don't like know. But I bet he's doing something important!"

**/o/**

Gwen and her dancers had been cowering in the corner all night, huddled together and trying to ignore the two men exchanging semen. Yes. _Exchanging_ semen. The night had been spent with the most outrageous, nasty, and violent sex acts any of the young women in the corner had ever seen.

Logan roared as he climaxed yet again and fell on top of Sabertooth, who had his orgasm seconds before. They began licking the semen off each other but fell asleep in the middle of it, much to the relief of Gwen and the Harajuku girls. **(2)**

"Okay…" whispered Gwen, her stomach shaking involuntarily. "I think it's safe to leave now. Let's go." She led the Japanese girls out of the hotel room they had been staying in and ran down the hall, down the stairs (not bothering to take the elevator) and out of the lobby. Finally, they were safe.

Or were they? (To be continued next chapter)

**/o/**

Lance sighed and felt his tense muscles relax as the water cascaded around him, steam fogging the window and the broken mirror. He was going to Africa soon; he should get clean. He considered what to use on his hair: Pietro's raspberry and lime shampoo with a very impressive bottle of conditioner included, Wanda's weird shampoo that made your head turn cold, Fred's stuff from the drug store and pull a Todd and stand under the spray, assuming all the dirt just ran out. He went for Pietro's; gay guy's have the best taste, even if they don't admit it.

He squirted a considerable amount of shampoo into his hand and massaged it into his hair, wishing it was someone else's hands. Namely John's.

Suddenly he noticed a bit of a draft in the shower. Then he realized that there _was_ someone else's hands rubbing shampoo into his hair. There was also a strong chest rubbing against his back, not to mention something _else_ rubbing against his ass crack.

Lance whirled around and found John grinning like the Cheshire cat. "I changed my mind." He said huskily. "Who would want to sleep when they could shower with you?" He pulled Lance against him. "I think we're going to need a colder shower." He whispered in the earth-movers ear, giving it a small lick. Lance shivered in his arms. They kissed, bodies melting against each other, each of the moaning softly. John reached down and cupped Lance's ass cheeks while Lance pushed his knee between John's legs.

John reached foreword with one hand and turned the water much colder; it would feel much better as things between them got…hotter. As in, John pounding into Lance like there was no tomorrow hotter.

Lance rubbed his head against John's getting shampoo into his hair. They began washing each other, their lips never breaking apart. John pushed them both under the spray of the water, washing the suds from their bodies. If soap didn't taste so disgusting John would have licked it off Lance, just to show how much he worshipped that body. **(3)**

That body, which he noticed, was beginning to form goose bumps.

Lance shivered. "Johnny…turn the heat up, babe…"

John reached over and turned the hot water until the knob wouldn't turn anymore. But no hot water would come out. "Goddamn it…" growled Lance, shivering as he hugged John tighter for warmth. It didn't help; his erection was fading rapidly. "We have no more hot water. Fuck." He reached back behind himself, turned the shower off completely, and climbed out.

"Hey!" cried John, ripping the shower curtain open, which did not break into dust mites but would have if it was wood. "Where're you going!"

"To get dressed. The shampoo's out of my hair. Come on, we're leaving today, get out of there."

"B-but-" stammered John, gaping at his boyfriend. Lance wrapped his towel around himself and threw an extra one lying in the bathroom at John.

"We need to get dressed, John."

"BUT WHAT ABOUT SEX!" John screamed, hurriedly wrapping the towel around his waist and running after Lance.

"We can do that later."

"NO, WE CAN DO IT NOW!" He grabbed Lance's wrist and pulled him against him. "Please! I'm so fucking deprived and you're so fucking hot and your NUDE right now dammit, come ON!"

"We can do it in Africa, John."

"And get some random…African…disease…thing! HELL NO! WE'RE DOING IT NOW!"

Lance jerked away from John and stormed into his room, closing his door so he could bar John from getting inside. "If you keep saying shit like that we'll never do it EVER!" he bellowed the last word and slammed the door in John's face.

John stared at the door in awe. Then he knocked softly. "Lance? Lance, baby, I'm sorry, I was wrong…come on, honey, open the door….please? Come on…Lance? La-ance?" he started getting a little angry. "Lance. Open. The door." No response. "Come on! Lance! LANCE! ARGH!" he banged his fist against the wall. "Can you at least throw out my clothes? I'm in a fucking towel out here!"

The door opened for a millisecond, just long enough for Lance to throw out John's civilian clothes and his uniform.

"THANK YOU!" John roared at the door. Then he stormed down the hall to the bathroom to change.

**/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/**

**Footnotes:**

**(1) **I got that from Beckna . Co . UK. I don't know if she has it up anymore, but I read it there once and for some reason I was laughing for god knows how long.

**(2) **A LOT has been taken out of that paragraph, partially because I was laughing too hard when I wrote it so it made no sense and partially because I don't want to be kicked off of yet.

**(3) **I am ashamed to have written this. It is god awful. Why must I suck at writing lemon-ish shit so? It was like…a second long. And I was giggling when I wrote it. I'm going to be fifteen in a month, I shouldn't be laughing at this stuff anymore.

**/o/**

Yessum. I hope that was longer. It's seven pages, that's gotta count for something. Uh…yeah. I'm tired. And I need to print some shit out for visual and I can't find any paper. So that's it.

hide-chu: Yep.

Uh…today I went to Kate's and I saw the Larku dvd, from when they went to America. I heard us screaming "I LOVE YOU HYDE" in the crowed, that was nice. Yes. Later all. Gotta finish my work. Happy St. Patty's day. I doubt I'll update before that. Oh! And by the way, if anyone has the audacity to flame me for my note at the beginning of that chapter, I'll be here, sitting on my big tired ass, laughing at your stupidity. Have a pleasant day.

hide-chu: Werd. Please review. And do you're fucking homework, ya slackers.


	4. Holy Crap MORE PLOT TWISTS!

**Title: **The Quest!

**Author: **Zee

**Disclaimer:** Did you hang my picture on your bathroom door?

**NOTE:** Yes! So, Zee has a new computer. A MAC! WHOOO!

**hide-chu: **And she has like…no idea how to use it.

Yup, I'm a Dell girl. But NEVER FEAR! For I WILL learn how to use this damn thing! I WILL! I don't know how the program I'm writing on will work, since it's no longer Microsoft Word Pad, so let's all just go with this. I'm sorry if the format is fucked up. If it is. I have no idea. Oh God, this is dumb.

**hide-chu:** Dear Lord, that's the first thing you've said about yourself that's actually true!

What? That I have no idea?

**hide-chu:** No. That you're dumb. Oh. Yeah. I'm good

**(hide-chu is now smacked across the room by Zee)**

Anyway, reviews

**/o/**

**Holly:** Argh, fine. Everyone, Holly made me a website that she put all my shit on. I don't know why. ForbiddenTouch . Com / Zee. Everyone go look at it. Whooo. Whoring my website.

**childrenwithblades: **Whahaha indeed! Glad to see you enjoyed it! Yes, I did check your profile, and I enjoy it very much. I like the new stuff, though I miss some of your old stuff (The Logantooth thing made me smile on bad days). Oooh, how was camp in Malaysia? I've never been to Malaysia, being that I live on the other side of the world. BUT IT SOUND LIKE FUN! Although you don't seem to be anticipating it….but by the time you read this you would have come back…and…uh…ANYWAY! I get criticized. Okay, I can deal with that. I'll try not to write anything flame worthy, for I fear the wrath of the CWB. Yeeeesss….Yeah, I love Pietro. It's hard not to love Pietro. Oh. You'll see what happens to him. And what happens to Magento. Bwahaha. Eh, I like the idea of John and Lance fighting like morons. It's amusing. It involves them yelling. Ah well. HERE IS THE NEXT CHAPTER! And also- those people who flamed you are fucking stupid, yet highly hilarious. "omg im not gunna reed ur stori I just wanna say u SUCK bcuz u sed my story sucked omg1111eleven!" People are stupid. I choose to ignore them. When I'm feeling masochistic, I'll read some of the Mary-Sues. Then I'll laugh, then I'll cry, and then I'll move on with my life. Occasionally I actually go looking for your reviews. Because you fucking rock. KEEP IT UP! AND SMILE UNTIL YOU STOP! WHOOOOOO –dead-

**Ruby631:** Ooooh, I know. :D

**nessie6: **No. But I love you too. Thanks for the compliment. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You gotta love Logantooth. Thanks! I don't think it was well written. But then again, I think a chipmunk getting run over is funny. I know, flamers who flame good stuff are fucking retards. Especially when they flame a story because someone criticized them. I LOVE John and Lance XD And uh…that quote. Yeah. Kinda creepy. WHOO!

**/o/**

Dun dun duuuun…oi, anyone want to be my beta? I have no idea how that works, but I just want someone to look over my grammar, like apostrophes and stuff, because I didn't pay attention when they taught us that in second grade and it's been haunting me ever since. Much thanks to anyone who actually wants to. I'm really paranoid about giving out my e-mail address, so just leave a review (which goes directly to my e-mail, omgwtfbbq) and we can…work it out. Or something. I don't know how it works, sorry. But hey! You'll get to read my stuff before everyone else! That'd be nice! You could throw up before everyone when you read Down! Whoo! Hot dog!

**hide-chu:** …why don't you just like…learn grammar?

BECAUSE I…am embarrassed to go to an English teacher and ask. I'm a freshman. We're supposed to know those things. BUT I DON'T! Yeah. By the way, my birthday is on April 27! Whoo! Yeah! I am THAT much closer to being able to drive! YEAH!

Yeah. You know you want it.

**/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/**

"So…um…are you two okay, yo?" asked Todd. Yo.

Lance, who was driving rather recklessly, and John, who was sitting in the back with his arms crossed in a huff, both grunted, glaring at the space in front of them. The Brotherhood (and Pyro, who was technically still an Acolyte?) had been watching the sky for an hour or two to see when the X-men were leaving. When Fred (who, being the sane one, was the only member actually looking) spotted the plane, Lance and John stopped being pissed off in Lance's room and the T.V. room (respectively), Wanda stopped being insane for a moment, Todd stopped chasing flies, and Pietro stopped being in denial. They all got dressed, hopped (or, in Lance and John's case, trudged) into Lance's jeep, and started to drive to the mansion.

The drive, however, wasn't a pleasant one. Todd was spending most of his time trying, and failing, to hit on Wanda, who zapped him. Pietro was spending the whole time complaining about how slow they were going. Fred was eating all their provisions. And Lance and John were acting like fourteen year olds who were having an internet war meeting in real life: Being shockingly stupid and huffy.

"No, Toad, I don't think they're okay." Said Fred when he took a moment to breathe between eating. "I think John's angry because he didn't get any and Lance is angry because John's being a bitch."

"I am NOT being a bitch!" yelled John, speaking for the first time that car ride.

"Fool me." Growled Lance. John kicked the back of his seat and Lance lost control of the wheel. Everyone screamed as the car tipped and almost fell backwards. Or it would have if Wanda hadn't thought fast and used her powers to right the car.

The jeep sat in the middle of the road, the Brotherhood looking extremely frazzled. Then, they all turned to slowly look at Pyro, who was sitting in shock. The rage of the other mutants was palpable. John gulped.

Almost in unison, the whole Brotherhood screamed "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!"

"JESUS JOHN!" screamed Pietro "YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN ME-I mean, US **KILLED**!"

"YEAH, YO! WHY DID YOU DO THAT, YO!" Toad croaked loudly. Yo.

"ALL HE DID WAS SAY YOU'RE A BITCH!" said Fred, stating the obvious.

"YOU WILL PAY!" shrieked Wanda.

"NOW YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY SEX FOR**EVER**!" yelled Lance. Everyone gasped.

"Duuuude…that's cold, yo." Whispered Todd. Yo.

John stared into Lance's anger-filled face. "…ever?"

"EVER!"

John sniffed. And sniffed again. Then he buried his face in Fred's flab and began to bawl.

**/o/**

Kitty sat in the X-jet, humming contently. Rogue looked ready to kill her in a brutal, angsty way.

"Fer God's sake, SHUT UP KITTY!" screamed Rogue, causing the whole plane to jump. "WHY'RE YOU HUMMIN' LIKE A FOOL!"

"Because I'm like, happy!" Kitty beamed. "I like, always wanted to go to Africa, like!"

"If you don't stop hummin', Ah'm gunna kill your with ma bare HANDS!" shrieked Rogue.

"But you can't, like, touch me! If you like, hold on for too long, I'll like die!"

"I think that's the whole idea, Kitty." Said Storm blandly, holding Rogue back from pounding Kitty into a pulp and doing all of us a great favor.

"Well, I'm like happy, so I'm going to KEEP ON HUMMING!" Kitty giggled like a schoolgirl in second grade, which just another example of how she's trying to seem younger than she really is. I mean, look at her clothes! What kind of self-respecting freshman wears those clothes? No one wears baby-blue and baby-pink anymore! I **am** a freshman and NO ONE wears that! IT'S A SICKENING DISPLAY OF SOMEONE TYRING TO BE YOUNGER THAN THEY ARE, PROVING THE MEDIA IS CORRUPTING-

_(We're going to take a break. The authoress has just been knocked out by the little man on her shoulder for being too stupid.)_

"Ah sweer ta God, if you keep-"

"Hey, Rogue, how about you sit over here for a while." Said Jubilee, grabbing Rogue's arm and hurrying her away from Kitty. Rogue's eye twitch.

Kitty continued humming. She stretched her legs sighed, staring out the window. _Only like a few more hours, Lance, my love._ She thought. _Then we shall like be together again and OHMIGOD! IS THERE A STAIN ON MY UNIFORM! LIKE NOO! I JUST HAD THIS WASHED!_

While Kitty began freaking out about the stain left on her uniform, Rogue cackled softly. First I'll destroy her uniform. THEN HER WORLD! BWAHAHA!

It was at that moment Rogue realized she was speaking out loud and everyone except Kitty, who was having a conniption over the stain, was staring at her. "What?" she asked sheepishly. Then she crouched into a ball in her seat and asked herself why life was so unfair to a poor mutant Goth Girl™.

**/o/**

"Ugh…" moaned Logan, waking up from his post sex nap. "What happened?"

"I don't know…" muttered Sabertooth, sitting up as well. He grinned. "But that was the best sex I've ever had."

"That was the only sex I've ever had." Logan confessed shyly.

Sabertooth gasped and held a hand to his mouth in shock. "You mean-"

"Yes. Before this I was straight."

Sabertooth screamed in shock. "YOU! STRAIGHT!"

"Yes." Said Logan sadly. They stared at each other for a few moments. Then Sabertooth began to howl with laughter. "What?" asked Logan, looking surprised. "What's so funny?"

"You COULDN'T have been straight!" Sabertooth began to hiccup with laughter. "I mean (hic) look at you! You're so ob(hic)viously gay! You wear those tight pants and that leather jacket and (hic) if you grew a mustache it'd be like the one the police guy in the Village People wore! How (hic) could you not have figured it out sooner!"

Logan began to weep. "You're terrible! I tell you my one secret and you MOCK ME!" he sobbed harder into his semen coated hands. "You…you're so CRUEL!"

"Oh there, there, my love." Said Sabertooth, ceasing his laughing and hiccupping (because cats can't hiccup. Like, duh.). He wrapped his arms around Logan and held him to his chest. "I'm sorry, lovely, I don't know what came over me. Can you ever forgive me?"

"Yes…but on one condition." Murmured Logan.

"Anything, my love." Said Sabertooth gruffly, stroking the X-man's hair.

Logan stared deep into Sabertooth's eyes. "We must be wed."

Sabertooth howled in happiness. "I was only waiting for you to ask!"

And so they were wed. Sabertooth looked dashing in his tuxedo with his hair pulled back and Logan couldn't have looked more beautiful in his wedding dress of white silk, strewn with diamonds, holding those beautiful roses in his hands. They stood before the congregation under a canopy of roses and silk, filled with mutants and humans alike, and kissed for the first time as a married couple.

And then Logan woke up.

"ARGH!" he roared, bolting upright from the ground.

"ACK!" yelled Sabertooth, falling out of Logan's lap and off his dick. "The fuck was that for!"

"I…just had…the most terrifying nightmare…ever." whispered Logan, his eyes wide with horror.

"Did you really need to wake me up because of your stupid fucking nightmare? Deal with it!" growled Sabertooth, rubbing his head from where he hit it on the ground.

Logan gazed at Sabertooth. "You…you're not comforting me."

"Of course I'm not. Jesus, you can take care of yourself!"

Logan stared for a little longer, then he pounced on Sabertooth, growling, "Fuck, now I want you even more!"

The people in the room next to theirs groaned. "Why'd we stay at this hotel? We could have stayed at a nice Holiday Inn, but noooo, we had to go here." Muttered the husband.

"Mommy, why were those two men yelling all night?" asked a cute ten year old. The mother sighed.

"This is all Gwen Stefani's fault." She moaned. "Her and her damn Harajuku girls."

"What the…where the hell did that come from!" shouted the husband. "What does _she_ have to do with it!"

"Everything." Said the mother, sounding forlorn. The ten year old nodded sadly in agreement. The father stared at them both.

"What the FUCK is wrong with you two! I mean, seriously, two guys having sex in the room next to us has nothing to do with-"

"RICK!" yelled the wife, smacking her husband square across the face. "DON'T SWEAR IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN!"

"Mommy, what does 'fuck' mean?"

"It means…it's what mommy's and daddy's have to do to get the stork to come!"

"Oh for God's SAKE, Leona, the kid's TEN! He should know what sex is by now!"

"NO!" shrieked the mother, jumping up to shield the childs eyes and ears. "HE'LL NEVER KNOW! NEVER!"

"Why not! It's not like it's a bad thing!" exclaimed Rick, staring at his wife in shock.

"Never…" she whispered, stroking her childs hair. "Never…you'll be pure…puuuuuure…"

"…I think you need some time alone. I'm gonna go take a walk…" muttered Rick, edging towards the door. And then he ran out and away, never to be seen by his family again.

It's possibly because he just plain ran away, but the real reason is, the second he got out his door, the door to the room next to his slammed open and he was grabbed by some very not-human claws.

"So," growled Sabertooth, smirking, "you don't see what Gwen Stefani has to do with it?"

"I think we should remedy this, Sabey-baby." Logan grinned from behind his lover.

"NOOOOOOO!" screamed Rick as they dragged him into his room. "I HATE HER! HER AND NO DOUBT! THEY USED TO BE GOOD, BACK WHEN THEY WERE SKA BUT NOW THEY SUUUUUCCKKK!"

"You have no idea." Muttered Sabertooth, and with that he slammed the door, a plan already concocting in his cat-like mind.

DUN DUN DUUUUUN!

(To be continued next chapter)

**/o/**

John was still crying into Fred's blubber as they pulled up outside the mansion.

"Um, John? I think the salt from your tears is diffusing into my skin cells, so if you could-"

"WWWWHHHHIIIIIEEEE!" screamed John. "I NEEEEEED SEEEEEEXXX!"

"Ugh, for the love of…I DIDN'T MEAN IT, OKAY! I WAS JUST PISSED OFF BECAUSE YOU ALMOST GOT US ALL KILLED! JESUS, CALM THE FUCK DOWN, YOU'LL GET YOUR SEX!" yelled Lance, breaking the car key as he turned off the ignition.

Everyone stared at him holding the broken piece of metal in his hand. Said hand was shaking with rage. As was the ground.

"Um…Lance?" asked Pietro in a small voice. "Are you o-"

"Get…out…of…my…CAR!" Lance screamed the last word and the earth beneath the jeep began to crumble.

Everyone screamed. With some difficulty, Fred bounced from his seat; Todd wrapped his tongue around Wanda and carried them to safety; Pietro just flat out ran away. Lance, on the other hand, didn't move.

John sat with one leg in the car and the other out. "Lance!" he yelled as he began to lose his footing. "Come on! Please!"

"My car doesn't work anymore…I live with a bunch of morons…and now I'm going to Africa for motherfucking Pietro. WHAT DO I HAVE TO LIVE FOR!" wailed Lance, slamming his fist on the dashboard and knocking a tree over in the process.

"Quit being so emo!" cried John, reaching out his hand for Lance's. "If you have anything to live for, it's me! Stop being so stupid! So you're life isn't going so great right now! Big donkey-raping deal! Live for yourself! And if you can't do that live for me! Now this whole situation is getting really cliché, will you PLEASE take my hand and get out of the goddamn car!"

Lance gazed at John for a moment and took his hand just as the jeep careened into the hole.

"YES!" cried John happily. "Someone pull us up!"

Fred grabbed John's wrist and pulled him and Lance to safety. Lance fell into John's arms.

"See? You're okay now. Come on, Lance, stop acting like a fourteen year old girl in a Livejournal war and let's go." John stroked Lance's hair and kissed his forehead.

Lance pouted. "Okay."

John grinned and tweaked his nose. "You're so cute."

Lance stood and pulled John up. He suddenly clutched John's waist and pulled him against his chest. "You won't be saying that when I fuck you into the ground." He licked John's cheek and walked over to the gate of the mansion, which Wanda had already taken care of.

John stood there, dumbstruck. Pietro walked over and stood next to him. "So…what the hell was that all about?" asked the gay-one-in-denial.

"I don't know. I mean, that wouldn't have normally happened, would it?" said John, staring quizzically at the hole in the ground. "I mean, normally Lance isn't suicidal. He's pretty level-headed. And even if he did make a big gaping hole in the ground, he would have closed it up. _Why_ did that happen?"

Pietro just cock(which he wants to SUCK)ed his head to the side and shrugged.

"…Eh, better not dwell on it. Come on, gay boy, we got a plane to steal." And with that, John began to walk to the hanger, blasting away any security devices that the others hadn't already taken care of.

"I'm not gay!" yelled Pietro after him. "God, why does everyone think that! I never acted gay in the show! It's like…" he shivered. "It's like someone's CONTROLLING ME WITHOUT MY KNOWING!...eh, I'm just being paranoid." And he ran off to join the others in the hanger.

In a three dimensional world, a girl sitting at her computer, typing, laughed.

Yet again, DUN DUN DUUUNNN!

**/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/o/**

**(Zee is wearing a bee suit!)**

WHOOO! WASN'T THAT CER-AYE-ZEE! IT HAD SO MANY PLOT TWISTS IT MADE MAH BRAIN HURT! **AM I NOT INSANE!**

**hide-chu**: Yes, Zee, there is no doubt you are insane.

YUS! SO, ARE YOU PREPARED! **PREPARED FOR MORE INSANITY! **BECAUSE I AM! I SAW A CONCERT LAST NIGHT AND I MADE ME GRIN! BECAUSE WE GOT TO TALK TO THEM, EVEN IF THEY WERE A PRETTY GENERIC PUNK BAND AND I'M MORE OF A METAL GIRL! BUT STILL! I AM A BEEEEE! A BEEEE!

**hide-chu**: You are retaaaaarded. Retaaaaaarded.

QUIET, PLEEB! CAN YOU WAIT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER! **I CAN!** BECAUSE I'M ON SPRING BREAK AND THE LAST THING I WANT TO DO IS WORK! BUT THIS ISN'T WORK! WHAT THE HELL AM I TALKING ABOUT!

**hide-chu**: I have no idea.

EITHER WAY! I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS! AND I HOPE YOU ENJOYED RICK! BECAUSE HE'LL BE BACK! OH YES! YES HE WILL! BECAUSE I SAY SO! AND **I AM THE GOD OF THIS STORY! MWAHAHAHAAA!** Or am I? I'M PLAYING WIH YOUR MINDS! **OR AM I!** DEAR GOD, I'M SO CrAzY AND HARDCORE AND-

**hide-chu**: -smacks Zee with a steel two by four. Zee falls to the ground- Ugh…what a weirdo…(to you) please review!


End file.
